Lesson #1

It’s taken me a while to decide how I wanted to start off with this blog. I mean, beyond the OIP which is by definition obligatory, there’s just so damn much about New York City to share that it’s very difficult to know where to begin. So the past few days I’ve allowed myself to collect pictures, have new experiences, and just see where the stinky winds of this city would take me. And then out of the blue, inspiration hit me! It hit me square in the bladder.

Let me paint the picture for you. I’m looking super snazzy cute with my boots, dark jeans, trendy t-shirt and hipster vest. I’ve made my way onto the 7 train to head into the city. Until I have a job, I might as well explore a little, right? Right. Still new to this whole public transit business, I didn’t have a book or any music on me, so I did what comes naturally. People watching isn’t weird as long as you don’t stare.

BAM!

The second cup of coffee was a bad idea. We’re only half way to 42^nd Street, and I’m forced to regret my gluttony. Why couldn’t I have just left it at one delicious cup-o-joe?!

Luckily I’m 23, and the muscles keeping all the urine inside of my body have not failed me yet. How much will I pay for this statement when in another 10 years? We’ll see. I was, however, fortunate enough to squeeze hobble stride (this is an effective method of travel when about to burst) my way into a Starbucks…this time.

In all honesty, the second cup of coffee is not to blame. I love you, coffee. Please continue to make my mornings smell so nice and taste bitterly divine. No! The blame rests squarely on my shoulders. In this frantic almost catastrophic episode, I learned what may very well be the most important lesson of all about daily living in New York City:

Before you go anywhere, pee first.

You may not feel like you have to just yet. You might think to yourself ‘oh, I’ve only got a 25 minute ride, I’ll be fine.’ Perhaps you are just a polite soul, and you want to give Mother Nature the chance to call you. Don’t! Before you walk out the door, you better ring that ho up and force her hand.

Aside from the endless number of ways in which your public travel times can be messed with, delayed, extended, and obliterated thanks to the diligent work of so many workers (I’m looking at you 11pm construction crew), you may not always have somewhere convenient to go once you get to your destination. Many roadside shops don’t have public restrooms. Most restaurants and bars have tiny signs saying that only their customers have permission to pittle there. I’ve been warned by real New Yorkers that a large number of free restrooms should be considered health hazards and avoided at all cost.

Safe bet? Find a Starbucks or a shopping mall. Those seem to be pretty well kept and don’t require the purchase of some overpriced entrée to gain access.

Safest bet? Pee before you leave to go ANYWHERE!

Who knows what might happen when you go downstairs to drop off some mail? Adventures seem to sweep you away at the funniest times here. So be prepared, dear reader. Be prepared.

Lesson Learned: Always pee first.